pitchy monkey.

mungkin sayalah kera sumbang itu.

i am this person: just when someone takes a step closer to me, i would back off ten steps. i am not talking about love, i'm talking about life in general.

i wonder if it's distrust that's making me build these walls. perhaps it is fear of rejection. but if it's fear of acceptance, then i'm more screwed that i think i am.

i don't know if i have always been this way but lately it's becoming more imminent. at times, even the thought of going somewhere with someone gives me the feeling somewhat equal to a burden. like a social responsibility of some sorts.

most times i don't bother asking, out of fear of getting the answer "No". like not asking people out, so that i don't have to hear them say "I made other plans". i no longer look forward when people say "let's do something tomorrow" because i've had my fair shares of "sorry i had to cancel because suddenly i have to go somewhere with so-and-so (<--usually a guy, once it happened when i am already getting dressed)". i even hesitate when making a phone call, in fear of hearing "I can't talk right now". at some point it gets so bad that i think more than ten times before asking to borrow something, just in case that the person would say "sorry, I don't have it".

so i made this cocoon around myself. i'm just tired of putting myself in a position where i'd expect to be treated nicely, or make people feel obliged to treat me nicely.

i am so screwed. but better than a heartache?

i have no idea.