first date.

you know that feeling that you feel after a first date (at least one that went and ended well, hehe) ? you're driving in your car and you're smiling all the way home, excited and anxious about what's going to happen next, and once you reach home you take off your shoes and go straight upstairs, lock yourself in the room, lie on the bed and just smile. nothing else matters.

no i did not go on a date today. neither did i drive. instead, i took the subway and the bus. but the feeling is somehow mutual.

i signed up for a commitment nevertheless. signed up, literally.

and i'm very very very excited about it. something i've been wanting to do, but never really got around and actually walk my talk. one day my spontaneity was at its peak and just like that, i'm in!

i am dying to let you know about it, but i don't want to jinx it just yet. this will definitely go on the blog soon!


Apfelstrudel, adolescent dreams and a long-lost friend.

yesterday was a very good day! i guess i woke up on the right side of the bed.

it's not everyday (in my case, living away from the comfort of mom's kitchen) that i get to wake up to food on the table. and not just any food, but Apfelstrudel!

then in the afternoon of course, the pancakes on Red Square that i've been craving all week long. plus shopping!

but all in all, the highlight would be later that night when i am pleasantly surprised by a long-lost good friend of nearly ten years. could be a best friend, really, at some point.

it's been what? two years since we last talked? definitely longer. felt like ages. we both agreed on that.

i can never truly explain why the encounter (though on facebook) means so much to me but it really does. it might have something to do with me having difficulty in really connecting with people i'm living with for these past six years. i never thought it would be this hard, you know.

though i agree that he has grown old. but he's been old for a while even before the last time we talked. (if you're reading, i think you need to go easy on yourself once in a while. try to slow down the greying of your hair. seriously. you're not even 30!)

it's good to know that after all these years, people who knew me from back then still regard me as the same Aini Hanan. because as much as i want to change, i still need that very fundamental part of me to be the same.

and the relief! in knowing that i am not alone in this boat; that someone i deem as my role model, or really an elder brother, agreed with me when i say that i don't know what the hell i am doing right now. you know, the whole not-finding-the-passion-yet mess. we both laughed at how naive we were back then, for dreaming all these. yeah, i guess that's how adolescent dreams work. few years later we come to a point where we look back and ask ourselves, "what was i thinking?"

thanks. i need to know that i'm not the only one feeling that. almost gave up. no kidding.

well at least now i know who to talk to in case i have a life-changing decision to make. just like the old times! let's not lose each other's numbers anymore!

yesterday was a blessing. thanks for keeping in touch.

good luck in fatherhood! you'll make a good dad! when your daughter's old enough to understand, let me go and talk to her about how great of a person you are. seriously man.


p.s. and the next time i'm having a sucky birthday i'll have the comfort in knowing that there are thoughtful people at certain parts of the world who actually remembers, but cannot find a way to tell me that they do.

cold war.

the butterfly effect might sound far-fetched, but it kinda happened. i can tell you the whole chronology, but only to make you yawn.

if you're reading, yeah. i'm writing about you. i hope this would be the last post ever, if you know what i mean. and i think we can all agree that it's a good thing.

so here's the story.

i am not a fan of elevators. i used to get chills. blame it on Sri Terengganu flats in Sentul where a great-aunt lived in the early '90s. i used to dread going there.

then as i grew older, i became acquainted with awkward rides. i hate being in the elevator with one other person, we know each other's names, and that's it. do i start a conversation? if yes, what do i say? do i keep quiet? do i look on the floor or at the door or at the buttons? do i smile? do i pretend i was texting on my phone? seriously, major pressure. i know, tell me why am i making this issue a very complicated one.

living on the 11th floor is not helping. unless i wanna do cardio work, it's a long way up the stairs.

then there's that person i was not on talking terms with, someone i've been trying to make invisible. multiply that pressure a gazillion times.

stupid i know, this whole cold war. and i believe that i'm responsible for the most part. things get too cold that by the time i get tired of it, i have no idea how to undo it.

then came the elevator. damn it, it was the longest ride ever. to cut the story short, i blew up the chance to break the ice.

until a few days ago, a series of events brought us back to that same spot, and the courage felt divine. it wasn't so hard wasn't it?


i hope this will be the end of it. i promise.

knee-deep snow.

i love snow when it comes down slowly in big flakes, and it's too cold that the flakes don't melt when they touch the surface of my jacket or even the palm of my hand. and i could see the very tiny details of each flakes. made me walk home instead of taking the bus.

made me think of You, and Your works of art. Thanks for the opportunity. <3

February 10, 2010.
Today's Forecast:
Blowing Snow
Temperature: -12°C
Feels like: -21°C heaven on earth!

table for one.

in Paris i met a backpacker from Denmark who gets from one place to another by hitchhiking at the highways. when asked about traveling alone, he said something that i cannot agree more with.

he said that by traveling alone, he depends solely on himself, and it's a challenge to keep moving on, to reach the next destination. food and sleeping in comfort is all up to him, and somehow, he finds freedom in that. he gets lonely sometimes but along the way he met some great people and it's all worth it.

as for me, i don't know since when did i start to enjoy being alone. i feel free, i'm curious, i'm excited and i get this sense of accomplishment at times. like i've discovered things about myself that i never knew existed and things that i never knew i was capable of. sometimes i feel proud, and if i could i would tell the world, "look, i did this all by myself".

don't get me wrong, being alone is in no way equal to being lonely.

sometimes you're in a place full of people, most of them people that you know, yet you still feel hollow. or you could be sitting at a cafe, sipping coffee alone but still feel complete.

i know the feeling of both.

you know, although i love the freedom of doing things at my own terms but sometimes, it feels good to ask for permissions, or at least tell someone where i'm going or what i'm up to. it makes me feel as though somebody actually cares. which explains why on certain occasions i ask my mom who's halfway around the world to wake me up in the morning although i could've easily use an alarm clock.

i'm surprised that yesterday i cried at the gates of the airport while waiting to board my flight. i don't know why but i couldn't help it. i guess i was trying to find a reason to come back, and couldn't think of a good one, other than the obvious.

i think being lonely isn't about going out alone, but it is actually when you come home and nobody even realize that you were away the whole time. that's just heartbreaking. sometimes you wonder how much time it would take for people to start looking for you when you went missing.

well i tried going missing once in November, and at 8pm i got a text from a friend, asking where i was. i guess i wasn't lonely after all.

thanks for asking.

new look, hopefully not the same old stuffs.

well i thought i'm just gonna disappear from blogger but i never would've expected to have people ask me what happened to my blog. didn't think that what i write (which most of the times are just my random whinings) matter that much to people.

a friend gave me a diary for my birthday and i was a bit carried away with writing on paper. but then it's different when you're writing for yourself compared to writing for sharing with people. so i'm just gonna keep doing both.

the thing is for the past month i didn't update my blog all that much, and the spam comments keep on coming and later on i guess my blog was hacked or something. fortunately all my previous posts are safe (i'd be devastated if they disappear!!). anyway to cut things short, i made the old blog private and this is a new one. somehow i managed to keep the URL. yeay.

i'm definitely telling you all about my trip (best trip ever, for reasons that i will later explain) but maybe not today. i'm just too lazy to do anything. i have something to talk about, though. hmm..

anyway, thanks for asking me where my blog went. you guys put a smile on my face. <3