Doppelganger.

today i feel like whining.

anyway I watched a recent episode of HIMYM where it was said that we're actually our own Doppelgangers. and supposedly we're not the same person as the ones we were 5 years ago. well, maybe.

Doppelgangers aside.

you know I can be too idealistic when it comes to the issue of making a difference and giving inspiration. but at the same time i believe that sometimes a simple, random act can make a huge difference, even a life-changing one.

i say that because i know of a few people who gave my life a turn by random chances. like the one who i passed by the corridor 11 years ago and told me that she thought i could speak. and a lady who asked me if I read the Quran, whose family now became close not only to me, but also my friends. and a few more.

i secretly smile when i see people doing the things i started doing. (excuse me for my love for myself, LOL). be it the way i wear my headscarf, my clothes, the places i go, the things i do... sometimes it feels good to be a trend-setter (again, excuse the self-appraisal), yet there are times when i realize that if there are eyes watching, and people following.. in a way, whatever they do (however remotely related to me) becomes my responsibility. and i hope that thought will help me change for the better.

anyway, back to the Doppelganger.

as much as i like the idea of inspiring people.. i despise copycats. if you're reading, stay away from the people i love. do whatever you want, i wouldn't take any credit. just go and get your own person(s). don't take mine!

ta.

indifference.

six years is a long time; long enough to get to know a stranger, become friends, fall in and out of love, and love grows to hate, and eventually you lose all of the aforementioned feeling altogether.

some people say when we hate, we still care.

some say that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. then some also say that the opposite of hate is also indifference.

if that's true, then i am a very bad friend.

good and great teachers.

i don't see myself as a teacher (not yet?). i am only a person who thinks that she can teach.

after all, to date i have only one student on my hands. but she's already a handful.

after more than two months, suddenly she told me that she wanted a test. i thought, yea why not? all these while i've been teaching in a very casual atmosphere, mainly helping her with her homework and school assignments. i didn't really set a target, as in how much i want her to know by the end of this. after all, it is an evening school.. at the most unproductive hour of the day, when the brain is pretty much hypoxic, especially for two girls (her and myself) who i can say have a very limited span of concentration.

"я хочу свою знанию проверять". - i want to test my knowledge, she said.

ok, she got me at that. so we agreed on Tenses - the Present, Past and Future.

if you're following me on twitter you'd know how excited and anxious i am about the test.

now (i think) i know how teachers feel prior to a test or examination. what sort of questions do i ask? do i make it hard for her, or do i make sure she aces it? do i make it exactly as i those which we did together in class or do i stir in a twist? how many questions? do i ask her to underline, or circle, or write?

cut me some slack for being a noob. LOL.

i finally made the test exactly like the exercises we did in class, only changing a few verbs and nouns here and there.

yesterday was the D-day. gave her the questions, explained what to do and she answered them.

boy was she in a hurry to finish them all!

"не спеши!" - don't hurry, i told her as i noticed that she already made a few mistakes.

after she finished answering (it took her about 20mins, whereas i expected at least 30-40 mins), i asked her if she wanted to check her answers once again, to which she refused.

ok fineee.

i think teachers know how much their students know. i know that she knows. if done properly, she would've aced it.

so i asked her, what mark did she think i should give.

"двойка." - two (in Russian marking , you'll need at least a 3 to pass). told me that in school, if she makes 3 mistakes, it meant that she had flunked the test.

"это не двойка. я поставлю тебе тройку" - this isn't a two. i'm gonna give you a 3.

but that's a lot of mistakes!

i tried telling her that it's okay to make mistakes in a test, because sometimes it makes you remember better. not sure if she understood the concept.

honestly, she didn't flunk it. of course there were mistakes here and there but some answers were good.

her only problem is that she rarely takes any time to think. i told her that. and guess what her response was? she told me that she always choose guessing over thinking. if there's an MCQ question, she'd circle the answers just like that, and according to her, that way she usually gets 50% correct.

oh man. how do i make her understand? i have no idea.

yesterday i finally understood what people mean when they say that teaching and educating are two different things.

teachers teach. good teachers not only teach, they educate. and great teachers, on top of that, inspire.

and this little low me is still trying to figure out how in the world can i be all of the above.

Happy Teachers Day in advance, to great teachers who inspired me. i can never thank you enough!

crushes of motivation.

one Thursday evening, over tea and biscuits after our tuition, my student Dasha asked me:

"Aini, can you come to school tomorrow?" (our sessions are scheduled on Tuesdays and Thursday weekly)

"no I can't. I had something planned. why?"

"i want to come to school tomorrow. so i have to find something to learn, and someone to learn from."

"you like learning that much, huh?" (seriously i was getting a bit impressed :P)

"haha. not really. i do like learning, but actually "someone" will be in school tomorrow. *grin*"

"ahaaa... panyatna! i understand. motivation, right? i was like you when i was in school. *grin*."

so since i wasn't free on Friday, she went and asked Katya, our administrator.

"Katya, can you help me with my biology homework tomorrow? i need to look something up on the internet"

"well I'm free now. let's do it today"

"no, I can't do it today.. I.. er.. I forgot my textbook! so can you help me tomorrow?"

******

LOL. yeah. a girl's gotta do what she gotta do. i think we girls would understand, the length we'd go for our crushes. and sometimes, we get something out of it. like some educational stuffs from school for example :D

a bit of motivation can do good!

not that i'm having any at the moment.

so...yawn.

goodnite then. ta!

Happy Earth Day, Earthlings!

Buds of Spring.

Thursday, April 22nd 2010. 15:30-ish

cool, damp, gloomy Russian spring afternoon.

took these fotos along Ostravityanova Street. opted to go home on foot instead of taking the bus,just to enjoy these buds!

hope it translates in the photos! :)

Happy Earth Day, Earthlings!

:)

stranger.

the Moscow Metro can be a very predictable place. you know that when you go to a certain station at a particular time, there be a "traffic jam" just to get on the escalator. or you know exactly where to stand on the platform before you embark a particular wagon (head/middle/tail) so that you will disembark at the destination at the very precise spot, i.e. closest to the stairs for the line change.

Muscovites would be able to fathom what i was saying in the previous paragraph, but for the others, i know, it's complicated. hehe. anyway, point is, it's very reliable, punctual.. and other than suicide bombings (i know, stale news) it's pretty much predictable.

but then, the people who ride the metro are not. Moscow Metro can take up to 10million people a day, and each commuter are different, to say the least.

for example, one day i was shown the middle finger by a man, and the other, surprise, surprise... i was given a rose.

LOL. so much for a self-esteem booster for lil' low me.

ok fineeee. cut me some slack. i know i'm not the kind of girl people would fall in love at first sight. or the kind who people actually take a second look at when they pass me by. like, seriously, i have a mirror, and my phone's screen protector is reflective so i know very well how do i look like. (LOL). and i can actually count the very few times i was given flowers. (my parents included). so saddd, i know.

so anyway, i was on the trolleybus on my way to the metro station after class when i noticed a man. seemed like he was looking at me. i had my sunglasses on, so i was looking at him looking at me as well. no, not cute. if he was cute i'd tell you straight away. (LOL). was telling myself not to perasan the whole time.

then the bus stopped at the metro, and i took off and walked towards the station, and went to the platform to wait for the train (max waiting time 2:40mins). suddenly the same man approached me and said something like "на памьять/for remembrance" and gave me a rose. (sempat lah pulak kan beli!) GASP. i was like, "eeerrr, thanks". we stood like that for maybe a whole minute then i thought i'd be polite and ask him his name. "Sergey". (nama takleh nak ruski lagi!! kahkah). then the usuals, he asked me where i was from, how long have i been living in Moscow etc.

the train came and i entered the wagon, and he followed. okayy...fine... then he took out his mobile phone and asked me to save my number in his phone. remember my rule #1: never give real number to stranger you meet on a public transportation. so i gave him a fake number!

i knew it was coming: he called the number i gave him! and he was like... "quick, check your phone, i'm calling you now".. i panicked but showed my coolest face and pretended that my phone is lost somewhere in my bulky bag.

and was saved by the bell! the train stopped at a station (albeit halfway through my journey home) so i simply told him that i had to get off the train, and we'd contact each other later (LOL).

okay maybe that's mean of me but then again i just watched The Lovely Bones, and A LOT of CSI. i don't want to be in a missing person's list, or police statistic. these days women and especially girls just can't take chances like these. he might have the purest of intentions, but maybe he hadn't.

this has nothing to do with him not being cute enough. but then again if he's cute enough he wouldn't have to go giving flowers to random girls. random girls would be drooling over him instead!

anyway Sergey, if your intention was good, i pray for the best things going your way. if not, i'm glad that i took off (and pray that we won't meet again!)

ok fine. this post is so vain of me. bagi chan lah pliz!

pitchy monkey.

mungkin sayalah kera sumbang itu.

i am this person: just when someone takes a step closer to me, i would back off ten steps. i am not talking about love, i'm talking about life in general.

i wonder if it's distrust that's making me build these walls. perhaps it is fear of rejection. but if it's fear of acceptance, then i'm more screwed that i think i am.

i don't know if i have always been this way but lately it's becoming more imminent. at times, even the thought of going somewhere with someone gives me the feeling somewhat equal to a burden. like a social responsibility of some sorts.

most times i don't bother asking, out of fear of getting the answer "No". like not asking people out, so that i don't have to hear them say "I made other plans". i no longer look forward when people say "let's do something tomorrow" because i've had my fair shares of "sorry i had to cancel because suddenly i have to go somewhere with so-and-so (<--usually a guy, once it happened when i am already getting dressed)". i even hesitate when making a phone call, in fear of hearing "I can't talk right now". at some point it gets so bad that i think more than ten times before asking to borrow something, just in case that the person would say "sorry, I don't have it".

so i made this cocoon around myself. i'm just tired of putting myself in a position where i'd expect to be treated nicely, or make people feel obliged to treat me nicely.

i am so screwed. but better than a heartache?

i have no idea.