table for one.

in Paris i met a backpacker from Denmark who gets from one place to another by hitchhiking at the highways. when asked about traveling alone, he said something that i cannot agree more with.

he said that by traveling alone, he depends solely on himself, and it's a challenge to keep moving on, to reach the next destination. food and sleeping in comfort is all up to him, and somehow, he finds freedom in that. he gets lonely sometimes but along the way he met some great people and it's all worth it.

as for me, i don't know since when did i start to enjoy being alone. i feel free, i'm curious, i'm excited and i get this sense of accomplishment at times. like i've discovered things about myself that i never knew existed and things that i never knew i was capable of. sometimes i feel proud, and if i could i would tell the world, "look, i did this all by myself".

don't get me wrong, being alone is in no way equal to being lonely.

sometimes you're in a place full of people, most of them people that you know, yet you still feel hollow. or you could be sitting at a cafe, sipping coffee alone but still feel complete.

i know the feeling of both.

you know, although i love the freedom of doing things at my own terms but sometimes, it feels good to ask for permissions, or at least tell someone where i'm going or what i'm up to. it makes me feel as though somebody actually cares. which explains why on certain occasions i ask my mom who's halfway around the world to wake me up in the morning although i could've easily use an alarm clock.

i'm surprised that yesterday i cried at the gates of the airport while waiting to board my flight. i don't know why but i couldn't help it. i guess i was trying to find a reason to come back, and couldn't think of a good one, other than the obvious.

i think being lonely isn't about going out alone, but it is actually when you come home and nobody even realize that you were away the whole time. that's just heartbreaking. sometimes you wonder how much time it would take for people to start looking for you when you went missing.

well i tried going missing once in November, and at 8pm i got a text from a friend, asking where i was. i guess i wasn't lonely after all.

thanks for asking.


LaXmana said...

i feel ya babe!